I ALWAYS CATCH THE CLOCK

WE ARE RIGHT WHERE WE SHOULD BE

Unity. This time of year always brings out the best of it. Being close to the ones we love the most, it brings up the best of even the cold hearted. Everyone cares, some choose not to show it. I always find however that around this time of year, everyone shows a bit of their soft side. This also happens to be my favorite side of people. To see feelings that are usually shielded out of what many of us perceive as a necessity is a terrific experience. Personally, I’m fairly awful at hiding my feelings. That being said, I learned long ago that it isn’t a setback if you always let it show. People know that I care, and that I care a lot. They know I’m passionate (and if you didn’t know that about me….well read anything I’ve written) and they know that my heart is always out there. My feelings will be showcased to those who just look. Regrettably, there are far too few people who will show that. Feelings will be hidden away until intimate moments with just the right person, where glimpse can be seen briefly. Please don’t mistake what I am saying though; it’s not a bad thing. Allow me to suggest that it does however cause many problems. Such as people unsure of your feelings, which may lead to arguments and misunderstandings. Again, perfectly acceptable way to live. But there is an “if” in there. I believe that IF you are going to live that way, then a fair trade is that you must also be very, very honest. It clears up all fog, and creates a very comfortable level of understanding as well. Personally, I know someone who implores this method VERY well. She is someone very close to me, and she’s smiling right now as she reads this. 

Which brings me to my next thought:

Inspiration. A key component in the driving force that is motivation. Without an inspiration, many people will know it is very very hard to do anything. Regardless of what you do, you need to have something to strive for. Which is much easier if you have been inspired to be like someone, or be in a certain position in your life. The world is in no short supply of many men and women who have done remarkable things for varying reasons (from noble to absolutely ridiculous). To anyone striving to be better in any aspect of their life, I recommend finding that inspires you the most, and keep that with you. A token…a reminder of who you want to be. Don’t lose that thought, keep it tightly with you. Don’t lose focus. And if you do lose focus, make sure you have someone or something to get you back on track. Always remember why you’re chasing your dreams. And always believe it is possible. All you need is the thought of it. Everything starts with a thought, and honestly and truly there is nothing impossible out there. It will be worth it to work for it. It’s hard. Anyone can waste their time doing nothing. That’s easy. To throw yourself at a dream, that’s hard. But it will always be worth it.

Be safe during the Holidays. I love you all. It is currently 11:07 PM, and I Always Catch The Clock. 

PLACE YOUR HAND IN MINE, I’LL LEAVE WHEN I WANT TO

Transformation. Change, but on a higher level. Change is largely frowned upon by some, and very much encouraged by others. I think that what we should be encouraging is transformation. Evolution. A change that will improve everything that you already are. I believe when it comes to people there is a very large difference between a person changing and a person transforming. When I see someone change, I tend to see a vast amount amount of negative traits that I either did not see or did not notice earlier. But when someone really transforms, you can still see the them that they were before anything was even slightly different.

This thought stems from seeing very old friends lately, and hearing about other friends from my past. When I saw my old friends, there was no point where I felt there was anything strange or foreign about them. Their lives were different, they had different interests in some cases…but nothing they were still the people that I love. I ended up receiving some Christmas gifts and despite only having seen each other a couple times in the past few years, the gift was the perfect thing for me. What I’m saying is that we all do different things, but we still meshed like nothing had been different. The other end of that are those friends of mine that have changed. I find it constantly difficult to try and talk to them and not feel awkward. And I know they’re getting into things that they shouldn’t be, and I’m surprised that they’re into. I don’t even feel like I can speak to them about it. They’re much less my friend now, and I feel like I don’t have a place in their life any longer.

It has just occurred to me that may be the main difference. When you transform (and perhaps there is a better word, but this is what I’ll continue with) you take all your baggage with you, friends included. When people change, I find a lot of people will just abandon certain friends, but for all the wrong reasons. I truly believe this should be avoided. I live a life where I specifically or any number of my friends may become very busy, but when we have a certain type of respect and love for each other where we can see each other even after months and we are just as close. Other people that I know are very hurt if I cannot see or speak with them frequently. I don’t believe this is how things should be. Friends are friends for a reason. I love everyone I am friends with and always for a unique reason. I hate losing friends for this very reason. A friendship to me is binding, and in the best of ways. I believe that if more people looked for that unique love in each friendship, people would be much happier.

It is currently 2:52 AM, and I Always Catch The Clock.

*One last note, one of my old friends has actually started a blog that she said I may write for (assuming I submit quality writings). So I’m very excited about that too. I felt this was worth sharing with the few people that do read my words. I love you all too.

Last night, I had a dream. I don’t quite know what it was about, or why I dreamed it. All I know is that things were different, and I was really happy.

This is what has been running through my head all day. I’m not saying I’m upset with what is happening in my life currently. I just know that it isn’t where I want to be. When I woke up and remembered where I actually was and what I was going to be doing today (work) I felt like I was in the wrong place. It felt very freeing to feel that way. It was no longer a question of whether or not I was doing the right thing with my life. The dream reminded me of a mindset I had not too long ago. That there should be no limitations on what a person can achieve. It has meant, and will keep meaning, a lot to me. I think it is one of the first steps to feeling free. There is literally nothing you cannot do.

Midnight Thinking

I miss the days where I understood at least most of what I was told

but I guess complex lives and startling truths just come with being old

I miss when things would just make sense, and I’d never have to guess

before a couple instances could quickly make my life a mess

There are times where I go back and think about exactly what’d gone on

but unraveling how things got here is like find stars at dawn

I think sometimes I see it, but I can never be quite sure

but in the end it comes down to “you” “me” “they” “he” “us” and “her” 

It’s not that I miss us now, or anything like that

I know now it needed to happen, and we both know thats a fact

but the mess that came about now, and the loss of some close friends

makes me truly wonder why we could never make amends

Or why we lost people in the first place, it doesn’t make much sense

I guess some people chose sides, instead of sitting the fence

in the end it’s upsetting for me to lose people in my life

I wish less people had been involved in what quickly became our strife

But I suppose that’s how things happens, I guess it’s how it goes

yet I miss the people and the smiles, and I think it really shows

that I miss and I care that I’ve lost touch, with people that mattered most

and I wish that they knew I care about them all (or why else write this post?)

Would you kiss me if I stood out on a bridge in the pouring rain with you? What if I treated you like a queen? I would be there for you, I would hold you, I would love you. Or we could be apart, leagues away from each other. We could talk on Sundays, and go over how last week was and how we wish the weekend wasn’t over yet. Then when we saw each other, you could catch me staring. You would talk and talk, because I kept asking questions about you. And you would know I’m interested. We would walk no matter the weather. I would walk with you while snowflakes landed on our noses, or while the warm breeze rustled the leaves in the trees. You would go home, and we would both be sad but we wouldn’t say anything. We could text at night too. And you wouldn’t even be mad when you knew I fell asleep because I would sleep through my phone ringing. You wouldn’t even question if the sound were on, because you would know I was tired but I really wanted to talk to you. You wouldn’t be scared to open up to me, because you know that your trust means the world to me. We would trade dreams of the future, and count the similarities. We would talk and text and email day after day, and it wouldn’t get old. We would start wanting to see each other more, and we would start getting deeper. You would trade secrets, and get to make the connections on how we came to be. Soon you would see that there wasn’t a think you could say to me that would make you feel embarrassed, because we’re both a little weird. Just seeing you would make me smile. Then, one day, I would get ideas in my head about writing about you. About what I think things could be like.  About how you creep into my head and make me smile when I could be in the worst mood. If I got that all down and put it somewhere you could stumble across it….would you kiss me?

For the life of me I cannot believe we’d ever die for these sins

My friend asked me last night if I had experienced love. We were speaking about love because she wasn’t sure if she had ever felt it before. I told her I had, but it obviously didn’t work out (I’m single). She asked me how I knew. I thought about it, and I gave her an answer about what it meant to me. This is what I wanted to get out there. My view on love, what it means to me. So here is love to a young adult male:

You know you love someone when you think about the future, and it’s easy to see the one you love there. You don’t need to think about the careers, jobs, friends, kids, house…nothing like that. That’s not what matters. Your future is “I will be with them. The rest will work out”. It’s going crazy at the smallest things about them, in good an bad ways. It’s letting someone be able to ruin you with a couple words or just a look. Love isn’t a choice. You just look at that person one day and realize you don’t want to spend your life with anyone else. Love is consuming. Love won’t always make sense, and there will be times you want to tear your hair out at whats going on. You can go crazy, get angry, lose your mind. But you still don’t want to leave. When you love someone, the big things aren’t so big. You help out with the baggage. You’re there because you want to be, not because you feel it’s an obligation. You can think about them, and you just smile. And when you lose it all, you feel it. It feels like a physical emptiness. And you will do anything in your power to get it back. I think when you lose it, you really feel it the most. You writhe and toss and turn but you don’t know what to do…because you never thought this would happen. But love waits for you, and when you love yourself…then you start sharing it all again.

But that could just be me.

I’M HERE AND NOW I’M READY

I should probably make sure that I don’t re-use titles. I just hope that I don’t use every line form 23 by Jimmy Eat World (have a listen, good stuff). I’m writing here because I have stopped writing by hand. For now at least. I’m writing here because today has been a pretty hard day. I have good people to see me through, and I love them for that. But still…when you want something and believe in it so much that your only choice is to not have it for the time being…well sometimes all the friends in the world can’t pull your head above water for very long. I’m not good at this…I always go for what I want and what I believe in. I blame family for that. It’s not really a bad thing. What it does mean though is that doing nothing is so far outside of what I am that I don’t feel like me all the time. It seems right logically and realistically. But internally…it feels so wrong. I can’t even say it feels new. just wrong. Not me. And then I worry that if I’m not me things won’t work out. Aren’t I always supposed to be me? I have far too many questions, and I doubt anyone on here can answer them. Truthfully, it’s part of the reason I write here. I can get it all out and it still stays mine. If I’m being straight, I want one person to read this post and what I am sure will be many more to follow (gotta write somewhere) but I can’t see that happening. I wish it would, but I can’t really interfere anymore. Doesn’t help anyone.        ….I am so very tired.

It’s currently 8:40, and I Always Catch The Clock

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

I would have to say it is a wooden cross that I wear. I don’t know where I got it, or how, but I know i’ve have it for a very long time. I wear it now because although I may not believe in anything in the bible, I do believe in what can be learned by it and I do believe faith is important. You need to believe…..you need to stand for something.

WHAT ARE YOU HOPING FOR?

I’m fairly certain that I don’t have any readers. But in case I do, I’m sorry if I’ve offended you by not writing. To be honest, I’ve been writing in a journal. A very special journal of mine, where I’ve essentially been trying to talk to myself about what is going on…talk myself through problems. It really has helped my find my voice though, and help put my life in perspective. You see, I have a lot of personal problems going on. And I’m working really hard at them in some areas, and attempting patience in others. Both of these methods of dealing with my life are very…..I guess new to me. I don’t work hard. I have always worked hard enough to get by. Never really fought or struggled, at least not for any length of time. However I have also never tried to do nothing. To say what needs to be said and then wait. I don’t like waiting…it’s hard for me because I am always trying to shape my life, and my future. But I can’t here. I can’t shape this, I have to wait and see what will happen. What will become of old words and new ones, how everyone will react, and I need to wait and assess my feelings on what is to come. If you’ve read my writings, you would know I have a great amount of faith in people. I believe people, when pressed, will help see things through. But it may not happen right away. That’s where I am now. I have a very large amount of faith in what will happen, what will be right and what I believe is meant to be. But to simply sit and attempt nothing…it tears at me. It rips me apart, puts me back together only to do it again. But in this pain, I have found myself. Who I am, what I love, what I want to do and what I believe in. And in finding all of this about myself, I rediscovered faith in myself. And I have faith that there is a reason that every ounce of me wants to wait. Because if I can’t trust myself, if I can’t be proud of who I am, then what have I become? Reader, we all need to look inwards. Past the mistakes, past the pain, past all of the things we have and do blame ourselves for. We need to see the person we are beneath all of that, and be happy. I will make mistakes as much as the next person. I will be hard on myself, and in most cases I end up being my own worst critic. But I cannot focus on the fact that I SHOULD have done things differently….how things would have happened IF I had changed something. No, we need to forgive, because we are all still learning. In that forgiveness we can remember why we trust ourselves. Why we can make ourselves happy. Why we have faith in the person we are, and even in the more in the person we will become. Now when THAT happens, you can do anything. Even wait Always and Forever. It is 12:34, and I Always Catch The Clock

AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE NOT ALONE

The last couple days have been fairly rough for me. I find that there are still moments that pass me where I find the faith that I have for so many things slipping. I struggle with the idea of believing in a higher power, for the sole reason that I don’t want that to become something to rely on, or be something I can force blame onto. Instead, I put my faith in myself, and the people close to me. I have found though that during the times I would like an ear, it is not always available. Which, after much discussion, is finally making sense to me. You see, negative emotion is what causes my close friends to be deaf and blind to some of my problems. I bring this up because I believe, very deep down, that this should not be the case. I am not upset at them for this, nor would I be upset at anyone who acted the same. I do however believe that this is something people as a whole should work on. If someone has a problem, in the sense that a friend or family member is coming to you regardless of the current state of your relationship, you should be there. Togetherness is what we need to focus on. No matter the current feelings, we should be there. I’m sure everyone knows how bad it is when times are bleak and you turn to your close friends or family members…and no one is there. You are forced to deal with things on your own, which can be hard. So to everyone reading (and I do hope the numbers grow, as far as I can see there is one person following my writings) please be there, for everyone. People need to be strong, they need to be there for each other. It would make so many things easier, don’t you think? It is currently 2:10 AM, and I Always Catch The Clock.